seeing how i was in the same boat last week...the same exact boat...a little dingy, rocked by every single wave, every SINGLE wave, it bears down, it bowls you over, and the dingy you're clinging to is somehow not understanding that it needs to be bigger-it needs to be safer, it needs to stay still while the waves jut back and forth.i am trying to understand what i wanted her to do. so that i can do it now for her.
so here it is:
1. call me at odd hours of the day just to say i miss you. tell me " i wish i was with you."
2. tell me how you hate sleeping without me. how you wish you could travel in time and be here, in bed, in our cocoon, in this space that only lives when we're both here.
3. find the words to tell me what you haven't told me before. because somehow that's what i really needed to have.
4. tell me that although this important, there's nothing more important than you.
she called me over and over again. trying to make sure i was okay, even though i said i was, even though she knew it was a lie. she called until she heard me laugh, and that seemed to relieve her in some way. she told me she was sorry she had to leave, that she wouldn't leave anymore unless i came along. and she did ask me to come along. i couldn't. she told me how much she missed me. she told me she wasn't sleeping well, and although it was because the bed had a giant dip in the middle, i chose to believe it was because i wasn't there. she did all she could and still i was miserable, simply because she wasn't here by my side.
so i just want to say, just in case, i didn't think to say it before, how much it meant that you did that.
i know it wasn't fair to make you worry about me while you were away.
and here is the part that's just for you.
you are the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.
you bring out the softest part of me.
you have been with me before. and even if you don't buy that, when we leave here, you'll know. because wherever that it is, i'll be there.
i knew it from the moment of my confession, that although i said i would go my own way, my way was you, and i wasn't going anywhere.
when we found each other, it was like that moment when you reach "the breath". the breath you're fighting to find when you've jumped in too deep. and you can see the light growing as you swim upwards as fast as you possibly can. and when you reach it, your entire body/being takes that breath. and all the other breaths that you've taken before didn't even register. it's that one. the one you fought to take. the one you felt yourself taking. and then you just bob along, remembering, reveling in it.
so that's where i'll be.